Macho Men
by syko4bosco aka A. Lalad
Summary: An argument turns into a very interesting male boding session...


Macho Men  
By: Awesomo Fox aka A. Lalad  
Category: VH  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Yeah, but not specific ones, just events.  
Summary: A small fight between 5 men turns into an interesting male  
bonding session...  
Disclaimer: Dear Mr. Carter,  
I know your beautiful, intelligent characters are not  
mine, and they never were, and if I do make any money,   
(which I won't, I can gaurantee you) I'll send it to you.   
If you like my story and want to use it as a plot on the   
show, go ahead, but under one circumstance: I get David   
Duchovny for a day.   
Think about it, I swear it'll be worth it! ThanX  
Yours ALWAYZ,The Awesomo Fox  
Also, Macho Man Lyrics credit to the Village People.  
Special Thanks To: CG, Heather, Melissa, Nolls and Al. Thanks for the   
support and suggestions guys! You're the bestest!  
Note: Spender isn't dead yet, Mulder doesn't know that CSM is   
his dad, and basically the entire 6th season hasn't   
happened yet.  
Also! I wasn't able to find the lyrics to the village   
people song, so I had to listen while I was typing this!  
Please! Forgive me for mistakes, and if you know the   
correct words, e-mail me and tell me!  
These are the thoughts of a twisted day-dreaming   
writer...  
ALSO!!!: I suggest that if possible-before reading this, you find   
some recording of the song "Macho Man" by the Village   
People. I got the song off of the Greatest Hits album.  
Track #2.  
Feedback: foxmulder1013@xfilesfan.com  
#######  
Become Part of the Fox's Boxers and Socks Academy Today!  
  
#######  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
Basement of the J. Edgar Hoover Building  
8-07-99  
8:07 pm  
  
In the basement of the J. Edgar Hoover Building, a small fight is   
taking place. Standing in a circle is the Cigarette Smoking Man,   
Walter Skinner, Alex Krycek, Jeffery Spender, and of course, Fox   
Mulder.  
  
Mulder: You can't take my X-Files again!!  
Spender: Why the HELL not?  
Mulder: Thinking You...you...just CAN'T! They're mine!   
I...Don't question me, Squirt!  
Krycek: Relax, Mulder!  
Mulder: Butt-out stumpy! You killed Scully's sister! You  
left me to rot in that Gulag, and tricked me into   
believing you were my ally! I bet that you even   
helped abduct Scully!! Mulder punches Krycek's   
fake arm and it swings lifelessy by his side as   
all eyes follow it back and forth. Disgusted, Krycek  
grabs it and stops it from swinging.  
Krycek: You were being an ass that week Mulder! Actually,   
you're always and ass, but that has nothing to do with  
it. But you and Baldy here points to Skinner left  
me to die on his balcony, so heck yeah-I was gonna  
get even! It's not my fault. You brought it upon   
yourself.  
CSM: Now, now, boys. Lets not fight.  
Mulder,   
Spender, and  
Krycek: SHUT UP!  
Mulder: Talking to Skinner If you would just give me back   
my department, all will be well with all! Well, except  
for you Smokster...(motions toward CSM)But, really,   
I mean-Spender and Diana really do a half-assed job   
investigating them anyways. If want it done right, I  
should be reassigned!  
Spender: I do NOT do a half-assed job! I work hard, and at   
least MY claims are backed up by SANITY! Unlike you!  
Skinner: Can it, both of you! You're acting like 2 year olds!  
Mulder, you were a jackass and made some dumb choices,  
and that's why your precious X-Files were taken from  
you. Believe me when I say he doesn't want them, they  
were forced upon him.  
Mulder: *I Want To Believe* you...  
CSM: You know Mulder, I always stood up for you.  
Skinner: What? You did not! I-  
CSM: YES. I DID.  
Spender: But you don't stand up for me, and I'M your KID!  
Mulder: Yeah! You KILLED MY father!  
Krycek to  
Skinner: No, actually that was me...  
CSM: No, Fox, I AM your father.   
Mulder: NOOOOOOO! It's not true! You lie! You liar! You big  
lying...lie-faced...liar!! Mulder throws himself   
dramatically into Spenders arms and sobs pathetically.  
Spender has no idea what to do. No one helps him with  
the situation. He frowns.  
Skinner to  
Krycek: Anymore of this and I might as well change my name to  
Yoda.  
Krycek: Can I be a Jedi?  
Skinner: I have no response to that.  
Krycek to   
CSM: Ok, so what about me? Where do I fit in to all this?  
CSM: Well, your mother-  
Krycek: Was your lover?  
CSM: No, she was-  
Krycek: The stripper at your bachelor party?  
CSM: NO! She was the-  
Krycek: Sexy cop who seduced you way-back-when?  
CSM: NO! She was the sister-in-law of the guy who nuetered  
my dog!!  
Krycek: Oh. That's it?  
Spender: You sound disappointed.  
Krycek: Well, I am. If you two are brothers, and he's your   
dad, and he points to Skinner...well, who knows who  
he is in all this. But I'm kind of a loner now.   
That isn't fair! He throws himself into Spender's   
arms, crying, also, and Spender is able to get out of  
the two men's hugs by placing them together. Spender  
is somewhat content once more.  
CSM: Sorry.  
Skinner: We're getting off target here. This isn't the point.  
Spender: What IS the point? He surveys the tear stains on his  
blazer lapels. He thinks of the dry cleaning bill and  
reminds himself to get Krycek and Mulder's addresses   
so he can bill them.  
Skinner: Well clearly it's...we were discussing...I was telling  
you to...  
Spender: You have no idea do you?  
Skinner: Clueless.  
Mulder: Spender took my X-Files!! That was the problem! Don't  
you people have a memory that lasts more than 5 minutes?  
He wipes the tears from his eyes and looks upon them  
as stupid heathans.  
Skinner: No.  
Spender: Nope.  
CSM: I don't really care.  
Krycek: Says nothing, but continues to cry in Mulder's arms.   
Suddenly, he seems to snap out of it, realize he was  
bawling like a baby in another mans arms, and he   
straightenes up and wipes his eyes. His voice  
immediatly comes back macho with no waiver.  
Not me either.  
Mulder: You people make me sick!  
CSM: Kid, you have one of the biggest heads I've ever seen!  
And, believe me, in my line of work, I see alot of them.  
Mulder: What-are you gonna GROUND me, DADDY?  
Skinner: He's right, Mulder.  
Krycek: Yeah, Mulder, you think you're so great!  
Spender: Yeah, you think you're a macho man or something!  
  
Music begins to float up from nowhere and it grows louder as it seems  
to get nearer. The men eye eachother strangely and their heads begin  
to bob in unison to the beat. They push aside office furniture that  
is in the way and form a V shape. Mulder is at the head, Krycek and   
Spender are behid him, and CSM and Skinner behind them.  
The men begin to run their hands seductively up their bodies and begin   
singing to the music. Mulder sings the lead solo and the rest come up  
with the chorus, with Mulder echoing everything they say.  
  
Mulder+Chorus: Body. Wanna feel my body, baby? Such a thrill my body,  
yeah. Wanna touch my body, baby? It's to much my  
body, yeah. Check it out my body, baby. Don't you   
doubt my body, baby. Yeah, yeah. Talkin' bout my  
body, well turnin' out my body...  
Mulder solo: Listen here. Every man wants to be a macho macho man.  
To have the kind of body, always in demand. Joggin'  
in the mornin'-go man, go! Workouts in the health   
spa, muscles flow. You can best believe that he's a   
macho man.   
Mulder+Chorus: Hey-Hey-HEYHEYHEY! Macho, macho man! I've got to be  
a macho man, yeah. Macho, macho man! I've got to be   
a macho! Macho, macho man, yeah. Macho, macho man,  
hey-hey. I've got to be a macho!  
  
All men unbutton their suit coats, lean back and shimmy them off,   
with the exception of Krycek, who has more trouble because of his   
fake arm. They throw the coats off to the side. Then they do 2  
well synchronized high kicks and their shoes come flying off.  
  
Mulder+Chorus: Body. It's so hot my body, baby. Meltin' pot my  
body, yeah. Now to please my body, baby. Don't you  
tease my body, yeah. You'll adore my body, baby.   
Come explore my body, yeah-yeah. Made like th'gods  
my body, baby. It's so good my body, yeah.  
  
They loosen and remove their ties, spin around to the left, moonwalk  
back to their original spots-except for Mulder who does a backflip  
back to where he started and ends it with the splits, which brings a   
grimace from the others. When all are back in formation they take   
their ties, which hang limply in their hands now, and swing them above  
and around their heads like lassos. Those then, too, are thrown aside.  
Skinner and CSM do cartwheels so they are in the same row as Spender   
and Krycek and then walk backwards back to their spots. The song   
continues as this is happening.  
  
Mulder solo: Hey! You can tell a macho, he has a funky walk, his  
western shirt's of leather, always looks so faux.   
Funky with his body, he's a king. Call him Mr. Ego,  
dig his chains. You can best believe that he's a   
macho man. He likes to be the leader he never takes  
for granted.  
Mulder+Chorus: Hey-Hey-HEYHEYHEY! Macho, macho man, yeah. I've got  
to be a macho man...  
  
They begin unbuttoning their shirts seductively, and once those are  
off, they grab the shirt by the arms and rub it up and down their   
backs. Wrists whip out and the shirts are thrown out of the way...  
The guys grab their belts with their right hands and pantomime twirling  
a lasso above their heads with the left. They make a circle motion   
with their hips like they are hoola-hooping. They go in a full circle.   
Once they stop at face-forward position, they go down backward and   
land on one hand, and then push themselves up again.  
  
Mulder+Chorus: Macho, macho man, yeah, I've got to be a macho!!  
Macho, macho man, yeah. I've got to be a macho man.  
Macho, macho man, yeah, I've got to be a macho.   
  
Belts are unbuckled and slid through the loops on the guys pants.   
They raise them above their heads and whip them twice, making a strange  
::whoo-ksh:: noise. Those are dropped to the ground and forgotton.   
The men turn their backs to us and you can hear zippers being   
unzipped. Pants are ::needless to say:: removed as the rest of the  
articles of clothing were, and before us now, stand 5 singing,   
dancing men, in white tank-tops, black boxers, and white padded socks.  
Mulder-through this all, has suddenly found a pair of black sunglasses  
and it is the one thing that he is wearing differently than the others.  
They sing again. Somewhere in the faint noise being drown out by   
the music is the ding of an elevator...  
  
Mulder solo: with a real sexy voice Uh! Macho baby!  
Mulder+Chorus: Body...etc...  
Mulder solo: Every man oughtta be a macho macho man, to live a   
life of freedom, macho's make a stand. Have your  
own lifestyle, and ideals. That's a steal. You   
can best believe that he's a macho man. He's a   
special person in anybody's land.  
  
Although the men can't hear it, the clicking of high-heels is moving   
off of the elevator and closer to the office...  
  
Mulder+Chorus: Hey-Hey-HEYHEYHEY! Macho macho man yeah! I've got   
be a macho man! I've got to be a mucho-mucho macho,  
yeah! I've got to be a macho!  
  
The music abrubtly stops with a ripping/zipping sound and all the men  
in the chorus stop singing too, and eyes look up toward the door.   
Dana Scully is standing their-a look of disbelief and shock on her face.  
Mulder is oblivious to the fact that the music has stopped, as well as  
everything around him, and he continues to sing accapella. The rest  
look at him and eyes go wide, and they attempt to cover up themselve-  
as they are standing only in their underwear.  
  
Mulder: Macho, macho man. I've got to be a macho man. I've   
got to be a macho macho mucho macho! I've got to be  
a macho!...  
  
Scully is convinced Mulder-as well as the others-have gone insane   
and tries to decide on what mental institution she will be shipping   
them all off to, but suddenly, she too finds the beat and she begins   
to dance with Mulder, getting interestingly close to him. He shows  
absolutely no suprise in the fact that she is there with him. They   
continue to dance until the song is over. Let us pray that they don't  
do the YMCA!  
Fin   
Good? Bad? Ugly? Tell Me!!  
foxmulder1013@xfilesfan.com 


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